Workplace Pranks

I love my job, I really do. It’s enjoyable, I work with great people, and I take satisfaction and see importance in the work I do everyday. And… the folks in our office understand that just because we work hard, that doesn’t mean we can’t have a little fun… and fun at other’s expense. So… I’m not going to give away all of my secrets, but here’s a few of my favorite ways to “lighten the mood” at work…

1. Messing with the phones…

• This one is my absolute favorite.. simple and elegant. Use a piece of clear Scotch tape to tape down the switch under the phone handset/receiver on the victim’s phone, so it stays down even when the receiver is picked up. Now, wait for them to return to their desk and call their phone… works best is you can organize an non-recognizable caller if your work phones have caller ID… when they pick up their phone to answer it, the phone will keep ringing. They’ll usually start screaming “HELLO!” into the phone as their brain tries to figure out why the phone is still ringing despite their most valiant efforts to answer the call. Works best on the “older” folks at work… hilarity will ensue.
• Read this one online… if someone at work has a generic cell phone ringtone, match your ringtone to theirs, turn their phone’s volume down, and call your own cell phone so they think it’s their phone ringing. Nothing elaborate, but would be funny to see them reach for their phone when it’s not actually ringing.

2. Messing with the cubicle…

• If your office isn’t overly-worried about accounting for supplies, then this one may be for you… covering their entire office (or as such area as you feel comfortable) with Post-It notes…

• Everyday, you can loosen the screws on their chair just a little bit, until one day the chair will fall apart when they sit down. Best to do it to one of the younger folks so no one injures themselves…
• If you work in the traditional “square cubicle” space, you’ve probably come to the realization that you work in an oversized box… so take advantage of that and fill your victim’s cube with something…

Balloons…

Packing peanuts…

Paper trash… probably best to use non-”stinky” trash… balled up paper, or paper scraps out of the shredder.

• Cover their cube with something…

Newspaper…

Aluminum foil…

Any and every potted plant you can find…

• Gift wrap their cube…

Merry Christmas! Wrapping paper is sold at the Dollar Tree… probably costs $15 to do this… worth every penny.

• This is the ultimate… but you’d probably have to have handy DIY skills, or know someone in the maintenance department… dry wall over their door so it looks like their office has disappeared.

3. Messing with their computers…

• Every computer at my work uses a laser mouse… again, this is one of my favorites because of it’s simplicity and elegance. Use a piece of clear Scotch tape to tape over the laser on the bottom of the mouse. Even though it appears normal, it won’t work when the victim tries using it. I did this to someone in a training class and it literally took them 20 minutes to figure out what was wrong… they restarted their machine… twice… crawled under their desk and unplugged their mouse from the tower… twice… started cursing at their machine… the instructor had to stop class because they were making such a commotion. It was awesome. It’ll work if you take out the track ball, too.
• You can do silly things like messing with the contrast and stuff… but that just seems like too much hassle for limited entertainment. I would recommend things like switching monitor cords with the cube next to their’s… so they’re operating each other’s computer… especially useful if two targets are sitting next to each other.

4. Cubicle Warfare

• One word: Nerf. I just got a new Nerf gun at Target… seems like all the younger folks in our office are strapped up with a Nerf gun of some kind. Or… be the first one to rain down a hail storm of suction darts on your unsuspecting coworkers, you innovator.

NERF… resurrecting childhood warfare in your cubicle

• Lots of other cube warfare ideas and toys out there… Airzooka air cannons, rubber band guns, finger fling foam darts… but one of the coolest is this USB computer-controlled missile launcher. Hook it up to your computer and target your cube mates. Awesome.

USB-controlled missile launcher.

• Our work has a health fair every year… and all the insurance providers, doctor’s offices, dentists, etc, all come out to hand out their tchotchke junk… pens, hats, writing pads… but one of the things more and more people are handing out are foam stress balls. And they make for perfect aerial bombardment artillery… and they’re free. Just be careful you don’t knock over someone’s coffee cup if you miss.

What we say: “Hey, thanks for the stress ball. I’ll never forget your company!” What we mean: “Thanks for the ammunition, stupid. Can’t wait to throw this at someone.”

5. Protect Yourself…

• You’re your own worst enemy… keep your head on a swivel. If you’re pulling off rad pranks on coworkers, chances are your coworkers are going to start gunning for you. But that’s ok. Be a good sport about it… if you give it, be prepared to take it. Laugh it off and take solace in the fact that you’ve created a fun environment.

You’re next… fortify your position.

As always, use your head. Don’t do something that’ll physically hurt someone. That’s not what this is about… it’s about fun and entertainment… not masochism. And, every place has that guy that’s ready to snap… he/she might not be the best target. Don’t drive someone to jump off a bridge on their way home or something… again, this is about fun, not emotional torture. Don’t break any workplace rules, either… and, as always… use your best judgement when carrying out a prank. Know your office culture and don’t do something that’ll get you fired. If your office has a tight office supply budget, wasting a thousand Post-It notes to cover someone’s cube might not be the best idea. Enjoy.

Old School Wet Shave

Shaving Like a Gentleman

Shaving should be fun and enjoybale, almost like a hobby... not a chore.

Thanks to the man-version of Pinterest, manteresting.com, I’ve been reading lots of articles about manly things. One of the articles I stumbled upon through manteresting was “How to Shave Like Your Grandpa” from the artofmanliness.com. It piqued my interest, especially because I’ve been looking for a new razor to use, since the plastic Schick disposables I use give me ingrown hairs and make me break out (probably from razor burn). In the interest of trying new things, and resorting back to the “way things used to be” – because the way things used to be are, in most cases, usually better than the way things are now – I decided to splurge and give traditional wet shaving with a double edge safety razor a try.

Benefits:

1. First-and-foremost is cost savings. A pack of 12 disposable razors is about $10… figuring one razor per week, that means you’ll get 12 weeks of shaving for $.85 per week. That’s nor bad, but the quality is horrible.. razor burn galore (at least for me). Disposable cartridge razors, like Mach 3, Fusion, etc, cost (on average) about $30 for 12 cartridges… figuring one cartridge every two weeks, that’s 24 weeks of shaving for $1.25 per week. Pretty expensive when you think about it… sure, you might be able to stretch a cartridge for a month or so, thus lowering your cost per shave, but quality certainly suffers the longer the cartridge goes before changing. You start to feel the razor tug instead of glide… razor burn… and all the gunk accumulates in between all the blades. Ick. Now, compare that to 10 pack of double edge razor blades, which runs about $6… you should change the blade once per week, so you get 10 weeks of shaving for $.60 a week. In terms of cost per shave, it’s well below disposables and cartridge razors. Don’t even get me started on electric razors.
2. Natural vs. chemical. Look at the ingredients on a can of Gillette shaving gel… or Edge gel… what’s number one on the list? Can you even pronounce the ingredient list without having a phD in chemistry? I looked the other night and Edge shaving gels have isobutane listed as ingredient… sure it’s probably used as the propellant to get the gel out of the can, but still. Isobutane… a chemical similar to lighter fluid. No wonder those aerosol cans are marked “Flammable”. Now, compare that to the soaps and creams used for wet shaving. One of the most popular shaving creams, Proraso, contains eucalyptus and menthol, as well as glycerin for slipperyness. Think that stuff is in those cans? Nope. Just because their commercials have some hot girl rubbing all up on a man’s face after a shave doesn’t mean they’re the best… that’s the same way Budweiser and Miller advertise… they make you want their product. And we all know what you get for want those products… subpar, mass-produced drivel.
3. Environmental impact. This isn’t a big one for me, but it might sway someone’s opinion… double edge razor blades are recyclable. Try recycling a disposable razor or the Mach 3 cartridge when it’s spent. Good luck. Plus, the lather you generate washes down the sink… and you don’t have a big metal can leftover. And, you’re not releasing aerosols into the atmosphere. Plus, all the wet shaving stuff I’ve seen is clearly marked that it is not tested on animals… think any other cosmetic companies can say that?

What you’ll need:

A razor… double edge safety razor. I went with a Merkur 180 long-handle safety razor. Merkur razors are well reviewed on Amazon and the brand was referenced on many of the articles I read. $30(ish) for the razor… so there’s an initial cost for the equipment, but there is for other razors, too (like when you have to shell out a little skrilla for the Fusion razor AND the replacement cartridges… or the exorbitant cost of a high-end electric razor). You might be able to score a double edge safety razor at an antique store, on eBay, or in your grandpa’s medicine cabinet… but, they are available new through the internet, as well.

Merkur 180... made in Germany, so you know it's good stuff.

Double Edge Razor Blades… My razor came with a trial Merkur Super blade, which has been working out pretty well. Based on Amazon reviews, I ordered some Feather double edge blades, as well. Try out some different blades… see what works best for your face… and remeber, in the end, spending a few cents on a better brand of razor blades is worth it, since, in the end, it’s an overall cost saving over other shaving methods. You’ll need to change blades after a week and half, at most. And I was surprised that the blades were almost paper thin… very flexible. So don’t be taken aback when you first feel one.

Feather Stainless razor blades... will cut whiskers and stubble (and your finger tips and facial flesh) like butter.

Shaving cream or shaving soap… since we’re ditching the gel-in-a-can, we need to generate lather the old school way… the way any self-respecting barber does before he shaves your neck after your haircut. You whip that shit up yourself! The base for the lather is either a cream or soap. I recommend Proraso shaving cream, made in Italy. If you want to shop locally, Proraso manufactures shaving cream for Bath & Body Works called C.O. Bigelow & Company shaving cream… same stuff. Yes, it’s about $10 a tube, but that tube will last you WAY longer than a can of Gillette or Edge… I promise. Also, Target (at least the one by my house) has picked up on the luxury shaving trend and sells a few types of shaving soaps, as does Wal Mart. Van Der Hagen shaving soaps are sold at both Target and Wal Mart… Wal Mart sells unscented plain-Jane Van Der Hagen shave soap for like $1.50 and Target had scented and unscented Van Der Hagen soaps in stock for $5(ish), as well. Do some leg work… or there’s always the online option.

C.O. Bigelow Premium Shave Cream... Made by Proraso, but sold at Bath & Body Works so it's easy to find... just head to the local mall. Will last three times longer than cream/gel in a can.

Van Der Hagen Shave Soap... $1.50 at Wal Mart.

Scented Van Der Hagen shave soap... Target, $7.

A shaving brush… just like the barber… you gotta whip up the lather with a brush. Badger hair only… badger. Not boar’s hair. Badger… the bristles are stiffer, so you’ll whip the lather faster and exfoliate your skin a little more as you massage the lather on your face. You can spend upwards of $50 on a brush, but I found a Tweezermen’s badger brush on Amazon for $11.

Badger, badger, badger, badger, badger, brush. Badger hair brushes work the best.

An old coffee mug or bowl… this is where shave cream or shave soap + brush + a little water = lather. Latte mugs or old soup mugs seem to work the best.

A styptic pencil… to cover the inevitable knicks you’ll ding yourself with until you get the hang of this new shaving method… it’s ok. Wear them as a badge of honor!

An aftershave or face lotion… for facial recovery. Nothing with alcohol… look for the natural stuff. I picked up a tube of Every Man Jack post shave lotion at Target for about $5.

About 10 minutes…. once you get the hang of wet shaving with your double edge safety razor, prep, lathering, shave, and clean-up will take about 10 minutes once you get out of the shower in the morning.

How To:

In my opinion, it’s easier to post Youtube videos than it is for me to describe how to do it…

An introduction:

How to lather: (I use a dime-sized squeeze of the Bigelow cream in a bowl… I also keep a puck of soap in a mug to work up a little lather, too)

How to Shave: (you’ll get the hang of it… take a look at the technique. Don’t push, let the weight of the razor do the cutting. Don’t slide the blade laterally… move it north-south with a stiff wrist, letting your arm do the moving.)

Some tips (after only a couple days with the new razor):

1. If you’re having trouble acquiring all the equipment you’ll need (safety razor, brush, double edge razor blades, shaving creams/soaps), check out a neighborhood, local drugstore… you know, the one that’s been around since forever… the one that supplied your grandparents when they were kids. Since they’ve been around for forever, they may have all the “old”-style shaving products in stock. If you’re having trouble finding them on their shelves, make sure to ask the manager or owner about the stuff, they might be able to point out the location… and, chances are if they don’t have the items in stock, they can order them for you or they’ll offer to keep a small selection on hand… that’s what I did, and now the small drugstore up the street is going to keep a little supply on the shelves.
2. Google search for a “barber supply” store in your area, as well… or, tell your barber that you’re getting into wet shaving and ask your barber where he gets his supplies. Since barbers use a lot of the same equipment, you might have some luck finding things through their suppliers. You all have a local, “old school” barber, right?
3. There’s always the internet… Amazon pretty much has everything a wet shaver could dream of on their site… just search. And, once you fine-tune the products that work best for you, eBay (and Amazon) typically offer items in bulk… 100 razor blades, a two or three pack of Proraso… cheaper per item that way. And don’t forget about Super Saver Shipping.
4. When you’re whipping up your lather, make sure to hold the brush by the bristles, where the bristles meet the handle. Kind of pinch the bristles in your fingertips and let the handle rest in the space between your fingers and your palm. This will put less stress on the brush, making it last longer. Also, make sure to hang your brush, handle up, to dry… don’t set it handle-down on the counter… that’ll ruin it. You can make a brush hanger out of an old wire coat hanger… or buy a pretty razor and brush stand.
5. Whip the lather until hard peaks form… like making a stiff whip cream.
6. You’ll get the hang of it… I promise. Yes, it might be a challenge to master the art and technique. And, yes, you’re face may get a little irritated in the beginning. And, you might nick yourself until you get the fell down… but don’t give up. Everything gets easier with practice… so hang in there.

My Shaving Kit... A Merkur 180 Double Edge Safety Razor... Shaving Cream... Badger Brush... Styptic Pencil (still getting the hang of the new razor)... and my lather mug. Boom.

French Press… ’cause coffee should taste good.

I’ve always looked at coffee presses with a bit of skepticism… they’ve always seemed like something old timey… passe… antiquated… stuffy. I mean, if those things were so great, we wouldn’t have invented drip coffee pots. I mean, seriously… progress happens. Electricity was piped into every home… and all I had to do was plug in my drip pot, fill it with grounds and water and flip a switch. Too easy.

But, as I was looking into home roasting coffee beans, I kept reading “French press” this, and “my coffee press” that. Got me thinking a little bit. As I was wondering through the kitchen section at Target, shopping for a Whirley Pop pan (for roasting my beans), I passed a coffee press on sale. Hmmm… only $20… I think I’ll give it a try. And it. was. the. best. coffee. I’ve. ever. had… ever. Ever. Aromatic, flavorful… not bitter. Man… maybe the antiquated way is the way to go. Plus, outlets are few and far between at work, so the “non-electric” coffee option seemed to be a perfect fit… until I realized I needed a way to boil water.

 

Here’s what you need:

Surprisingly, coffee beans are one of the two primary ingredients in coffee. Hmmm…

Your favorite coffee beans, whole… whether you roast them yourself, or shell out skrilla for a bag of Starbuck’s… whole bean. We’ll be grinding them ourselves. (Btw, my favorite store bought brand is Eight O’Clock… either the French roast or Colombian)… you want the beans ground coarse… if the beans are ground too fine, they’ll clog up (or slip through) the filter screen on the plunger.

A nice coffee grinder is a must… especially for those that roast your own beans.

A nice burr grinder… I did A TON of research on burr grinders before I bought one (err… had my wife buy me one for my birthday)… I decided on the Bodum Bistro burr grinder. Very well reviewed, decent price (for burr grinders, at least). Consistent grind… works great… no complaints. If you don’t have a grinder… you can use the grinder in the coffee aisle at the grocery store… just clean it out a little bit and stick an empty bag under the spout… give it a “dry run” for a few seconds to work out any grinds from the person that last used it. I wouldn’t take my own beans to the store to grind, but if you buy whole bean coffee there (PLEASE DON’T BUY THE COFFEE BEANS FROM THOSE PLASTIC BULK DISPENSERS!! Who knows how long those beans have been in there… exposed to light and heat… blech), I don’t see a problem with using the store grinder.

Hot water is the other primary ingredient in coffee… it’s all making sense.

An electric water kettle… or some other way to boil water… tea pot/stove, microwave, etc. At first, I didn’t put two and two together that I would need hot water for the coffee.. derr… and I took my press to work, all excited, just to not be able to use it. Like I said, my work is very strict on outlet usage… no electric appliances at your desk… so it didn’t even dawn on me to think about how I would get hot water. After my disappointment and embarrassment, I had to I had to stop at Target AGAIN to shop for water kettles. I found an Aroma 7-cup electric water kettle on sale… $20. I fenangled my way into an approved outlet… boom. Hot water for everyone!

8-cup Bodum Brazil French press

A French press… I got mine, an 8-cup Bodum New Brazil press, at Target for $20. Bodum brand presses are reviewed very well… so don’t skimp a few bucks to get the knock off brand. Make sure to save the coffee portion scoop that comes with the press… you’ll need that for scooping out portions of coffee … and even though it’s an “eight cup” model, that’s only enough for two large mugs of coffee at my desk. Buy bigger if you want to make the equivalent of an entire pot.

Thermos… keeps your coffee all warm and snuggly.

An insulated storage container… obviously, the glass beaker of the press is not going to keep your coffee hot. It’ll need transferred into something that it’ll keep it all nice and cozy and steamy… and nothing beats a Thermos, in my mind. I mean, everything that keeps something hot is called a “Thermos”… so might as well go for the original. Big surprise, I got my Thermos bottle at Target… $20.

You’ll also need one chopstick… I bum a few extra pairs from the Chinese restaurant we frequent for lunch. And, don’t forget your favorite mug… obviously. Drinking coffee from your favorite mug just seems to make it taste better. I like my coffee with cream and sugar… so I keep a small supply at my desk. All the stuff fits nicely into one of the corners of my cube, so having all this coffee schtuff on my desk is no big deal. I’ll warn you that the coffee is kind of grainy, since the filter isn’t as fine as a paper filter… like how instant hot chocolate forms that chocolaty grainy powder at the bottom of your cup. But, no big deal… I’ve never found it displeasing… and now I’m used to it.

 

Here’s how to do it:

1. Fill your kettle to max, flip it on, and start it boiling.
2. Grind your coffee… coarse grind… about 10 ounces of beans per press will be about right.
3. Remove the plunger and add the grounds to the bottom of the press… five rounded scoops.
4. The water should be boiling now… set the press down on a solid surface and pour the boiling water over the beans… pour in a circular motion, so the water evenly hits all parts of the beans. The beans will start to foam a little bit. Pour until the the water and beans fill up to the top of the word “ORIGINAL” (on the red sticker on the model pictured above)… that’ll leave enough headspace to fit the lid and plunger back on.
5. Use the chopstick to stir the beans… some more foam will start to form. This is known as the “bloom” and it’s a good thing. No need to stir like crazy, just a half dozen, or so, gentle stirs.
6. Put the lid/plunger back on… wait EXACTLY FOUR MINUTES. Too long and the water will pull off-flavors out of the beans. Too short and it won’t be as flavorful and strong as it could be.
7. After the four minutes, plunge the press… use on hand to hold the lid tight.. use the other hand to slowly push the plunger straight down… even pressure.
8. Pour the coffee into the Thermos, and off you go. That wasn’t terribly hard, was it?

Like I said, my French press works great for me at work, especially since I can’t have a personal drip machine on my desk. It’s become part of my morning routine. If I fill up the kettle to the max, I have enough boiling water left over for a bowl of instant oatmeal, so I’m killing two birds with one stone.

A French press will give your cup’a joe lots of great flavor… TONS more than even a good drip machine. Great aroma. Good body… nice and smooth. Does using a French press come off as “snobby”? Maybe… but if anyone thinks you’re being bourgeoisie, offer them a cup of coffee. I bet they’ll change their mind.

 

Visual Aids:

just to give you an idea of how it looks in practice (don’t go by this guy’s measurement stuff… just stick to the five heaping scoops from the scooper)…

feel like a latte?

 

Further Reading:

Coffee Geek: How to Use a Press Pot

Sweet Maria’s: French Press Brewing

 

Update:

After a little over a year of near-daily use, the beaker (the glass portion) on my french press cracked. Not because of anything wrong with the product… I was washing it in the break room sink and smashed my stainless steel thermos into the glass… right after I was discussing my “coffee snobbery” with someone getting a cup of 4 hour old Folger’s from the break room coffee pot. Karma is a bee-yotch. I looked up a replacement beaker in the instruction manual… Bodum part #1508-10 (1.01L/34oz beaker)… and it runs about $20 online… which is as much as the french press, itself. It’s also available in-store at Target… right next to the french presses… but, a Bodum 8-Cup Brazil press was on sale for $18 and the beaker cost $19.99… so the decision pretty much made itself. Shop around if you need a replacement beaker.

Fried Chicken

Pretty straight forward… going to follow Alton’s technique from the Good Eats episode below (which also includes a tour of the Lodge cast iron factory in Tennessee… pretty neat):

Part I (do yourself a favor and skip ahead to 1:40):

Part 2:

Ingredients:

• one 3-4 lb broiler/fryer chicken
• 2 cups low-fat butter milk
• 2 tbsp kosher salt
• 2 tbsp paprika
• 2 tsp garlic powder
• 1 tsp cayenne pepper
• a couple cups of all purpose flour for dredging

Should be better than the Colonel’s “secret recipe”… and I’ve been dying to get my cast iron skillet working for more than just Saturday morning bacon. The wife has been feeling a bit under the weather, so I’m hoping some good comfort food will help her feel a little better.

Simple Yeast Starter

Plain and simple… fermentation control is what sets GREAT homebrew apart from OK homebrew. Besides controlling fermentation temperature (which’ll probably be a separate post… eventually), the yeast themselves are integral to a healthy fermentation. Pitching enough yeast cells will minimize lag time as the cells won’t have to replicate before beginning fermentation. When you pitch healthy yeast cell, you’re make healthy beer… the yeast aren’t stressing and producing off flavors. All in all, pitching enough healthy, active, yeast will make a better beer. Jamil Zainasheff, one of the greatest homrbrewers in the country, expounds on the benefits of healthy yeast in a new book Yeast: The Practical Guide to Beer Fermentation that he co-wrote with Chris White, of White Labs… one of the major brewing yeast producers. I’ve already covered how to get the most out of your dry brewing yeast by rehydrating… but how do you get the most out of a liquid yeast strain? The answer is simple… make a starter. A starter will allow the yeast to  replicate to the numbers you need for a healthy, vigorous fermentation BEFORE being pitched into your wort. The yeast will be active, as well… they’ve been in a semi-suspended state since they were packaged and shipped from the yeast lab… so they need to be roused… like being handed a warm cup of coffee when the alarm goes off at 5:30AM.

The benefit of a yeast starter is something most homebrewers can agree on… but, like most other homebrewing-related topics, the “best” method of how to actually make a yeast starter is up for debate. Some folks have professional chemistry labs in their basements… stir plates, flasks, yeast loops… typical over-the-top mentality. Some homebrewers, like me, figure out how to achieve the benefits and results without blowing an entire paycheck on equipment. I’ll spend the $1, instead of the $1,000… especially if it gets me to the same ends as everyone else. Here’s how…

What you’ll need:

• Three days advance notice… if you’re brewing on Saturday, start this on Wednesday (“Smack” the pack on Tuesday).
• 1 2-L plastic soda bottle (which you’ve pre-graduated to the 1L, 1.25L and 1.5L mark)… save the cap.
• Funnel that’ll fit into the pop bottle
• 1 scale (which you already have as part of your brewing equipment)
• 1 lb of pilsen DME
• Fermcap-S (foam inhibitor)
• 1 yeast smack pack, or one vial of your desired liquid yeast strain
• Your sanitizer solution of choice.

…. that’s it.

Graduated this soda bottle at the 1, 1.25. and 1.5 Liter mark... and, so I never forget, I wrote how much DME to use. Never forget.

Now, here’s how to do it…

1. Run your recipe through your brewing software. Using your predicted OG and the volume of wort you’ll be fermenting, plug the beer’s statistic into the Mr. Malty Yeast Pitching Rate Calculator to see how big of a starter you’ll need to make for your beer.  Enter the manufacture date of your yeast. Make sure to select “Intermittent Shaking” from the drop down, and hit “calculate”. For example, if I’m making 3.5 gallons of a 1.052 beer with yeast made in the middle of November, I’ll need a 1 liter yeast starter
2. Now that you know how much starter you’ll need, you need to make a starter wort. Collect the volume of water you’ll need (e.g. 1 liter of water for a 1 liter starter, etc.)… then multiply that volume by 100 to determine how many grams of DME you’ll need… 100 g DME for a 1 liter starter… 150 g DME for a 1.5 liter starter… and so on. Bring that much DME and the water to a boil for a ten minutes so it will sterilize… cool in an ice bath to room temp. Going back to my example, I’m going to bring 1 liter of water and 100 g DME to a boil for my 1L of starter wot Mr.  Malty told me I needed. You’re shooting for a 1.040 SG wort… a lot of brewers will collect excess running or pre-make starter wort. But, it’s not that hard to do make the starter wort on the fly, as needed. It’s that simple.
3. Once you have your chilled starter wort ready, pour it into you sanitized two liter pop bottle using a sanitized funnel. Next, pour in the contents of your smack pack or vial into the starter wort in the bottle. Add a couple drops of Fermcap-S to prevent a krausen blow out. Cap the bottle. Shake for a minute or two… or until your arms feel like they’ll fall off. Shake it like it owes you money. Set it back on the counter, and unscrew the cap until it just barely catches the threads… this way CO2 can come out, and O2 from the air can get in.
4. Every time you walk past the kitchen (or wherever your start bottle is), screw the cap tight, shake it for a minute, then set it down and unscrew the cap until it just barely catches the threads. This is the “intermittent shaking” method… and your kind of simulating the agitation of a stir plate (without having to actually have a stir plate).
5. Let it ferment (and continue to shake) for a day or two… once the starter drops clear, and the yeast fall out of suspension, cold crash the bottle in the fridge… do this by AT LEAST the night before you plan to brew so it can have eight-twelve(ish) hours in the fridge. This’ll get the yeast cake compacted in the bottom of the bottle.
6. On brew day, decant the liquid from the starter… just pour the clear liquid off the top without disturbing the yeast cake at the bottom of the bottle. Stop decanting and leave about an inch of the liquid in the bottle… this’ll give you a little liquid to get mixed in with the yeast cake when it comes time to pitch. Leave the bottle out on the counter during the brew day so it has PLENTY of time to warm up to room temp. When you’re ready to pitch, shake the starter bottle to loosen and resuspend the yeast and pitch the contents of the bottle into your wort.

… and that’s pretty much it. Might seems a bit complicated, sure… but it’s less fussy that the “stir plate method”… and you don’t have to invest in buying or take the time to build a stir plate. Just a left over 2 liter soda bottle… that’s it. Even homeless people have left over soda bottles.

More information:

Brew Strong: Yeast Starters

Mr. Malty

Northern Brewer: Yeast Starter

Tasting Notes: Bell’s Hopslam

Bell's Hopslam

Supposedly the “holy grail” for hop heads… Bell’s Brewery’s Hopslam is consistently rated as one of the top beers in the United States (and the world)… FINALLY got a chance to thump my palate and give it a go.

The beer poured a wonderful orangey-copper.  Hazy. What little head that developed in the glass dissipated very quickly… high ABV beer will do that. A thin white ring of bubbles lingered on the perimeter of the glass. I chose a red wine glass to mimic the “tulip” glass that this should be served in… but, alas, no tulip glasses in stock at this house.

Aroma is very fruity…tropical fruit… like mangoes and grapefruit. I picked up a little bit of earthy notes, too… like the rinds of fruit skins. A little resiny, too… maybe a touch of “feet”… like stinky cheese? But, not in a displeasing way. The fruit notes of the hops sure dominate.

Taste was unbelievable… like grapefruit juice. Very acidic up front, like orange juice. Not overwhelmingly bitter like I though it would be… I hate hop bitterness, so I was leery it would be too much for me. It wasn’t… the hops are all in the flavor and aroma, that’s for sure. The middle of the taste was sweet… there’s honey in the recipe and I think it cam through. As it warms up, a little more pine resin taste comes out. Very slight malt sweetness, too… like bread. The finish of the taste is resiny, and the 10%ABV cuts through at the end of the taste with a little “hot alcohol” bite. Lingering taste is fruity hop flavor, hop resin, and fruity sweetness.

Overall, I can see why this beer is one of the top beers in the U.S… very pleasing… very unique… huge “novelty factor” since it releases once a year. The hop isn’t overly bitter, like I though it might be. Very big punch of flavor… huge fruit aroma. My first reaction was “man, this tastes like pink grapefruit juice”… and it does.

Glad this only comes out once a year… at $17(ish) per six pack, I could see this blowing through my beer budget in a hurry. Definitely schwacked my taste buds… I’ll sit her in the hop coma and enjoy the feeling.

By the way, tasting beer isn’t that hard… you just describe the tastes in detail and compare it to what you know… bready malt tastes, like saltine crackers or whole wheat bread. Fruity aromas like grapefruit. Sweet… alcohol bite… carbonic bite like when your nose tingles after burping up soda… all descriptors of the experience of savoring and enjoying the flavors of the beer your tasting. Start with what the beer looks like when it’s poured… then, sniff it… bury your nose in the glass and take in a big whiff… what does it smell like? Then, take a sip. Let the beer sit in your mouth for a second, then swallow. Take another sip. Smell it again. More sips. You’ll get the hang of it… some people are so intense about their tadting notes, they take a little notebook with them to jot down their experience. You don’t have to be that intense… sure, you can geek out on it, but just describing the beer to others you’re sitting with can be enough to get the beer convo rolling… and that’s what beer is: it’s social. It’s an experience. It’s something more than swilling it down your gullet while you grind on hotties. It’s beer… sit down, talk to a friend. Talk about what your tasting. Catch up on life. That’s what it’s all about. You can watch two experienced home brewers taste some beers to get an idea (se below)… or go out and try a craft beer and actually take a second to let the flavors and experience process in your brain and some tastings for yourself…

DIY Hop Spider

This is what the end product will look like... use it as a reference, or to scare small children into doing your bidding because you've convinced them it is some sort of medieval torture device.

A few weeks ago, I whipped up a hop spider… just troll the plastic plumbing fixtures at Lowe’s and found a 3 or 4 inch PVC coupler for three or four bucks. Next, head on over to the decorative wood-working aisle and find the dowel rods… the only trick to picking out a dowel rod is finding one sturdy enough to not bend or flex while choosing one that’ll match the diameter of a drill bit you have at home. Another fun thing about dowel rods is they make great fencing foils when you’re slightly-annoyed wife starts complaining that you’re dragging her from one end of Lowe’s to the other.

After you’ve got the PVC coupler and dowel rod, head over to the plumbing section and find a stainless steel worm clamp big enough to fit on the bottom diameter of the PVC coupler. Got it? Good. Now, walk over to the paint section. In amongst all the painting accessories is a blue plastic pack of two five gallon mesh paint strainer bags. They’re basically big white mesh bags… get the five gallon size. After you’ve picked up the strainer bags, you should be close to the cash registers… because every Lowe’s is designed damn near identical.

Find the drill bit that matches the diameter of the dowel rod you bought, and drill a hole through the PVC coupler about one inch from the top. Directly opposite that hole, drill another hole, so the dowel rod will bisect the coupler. Now, 90 degrees from that second hole, drill another hole in the coupler. Opposite that hole, drill the fourth and final hole for the other piece of dowel rod. You’re basically making a big ‘X’ with the dowel rods… just make sure to offset the holes so the two pieces of dowel rod don’t intersect and bump into each other in the middle. Break (or saw) the dowel rod in half. Use a hammer to pound the rod through one hole across to the other, and the same for the other set of holes. Use the worm clamp to secure one of the five gallon strainer bags to the coupler. Bingo.

So now that you have this dubious-looking device, you might be asking yourself, “soooo…. what’s it for?” Well, have no fear… the answer is quite simple. You set the hop spider over your brew pot with the strainer bag sitting in the boiling wort. You add the hop pellets (you’ll probably need a bigger couple to fit whole leaf) through the coupler so they’re contained int he bag, but still in the boiling wort. This will allow you to easily remove the hops from the wort when the hop schedule is done… and will also eliminate the hop particles from finding their way into the fermenter when you transfer wort. This way they’ll not plug up autsiphons or racking canes and no particles will be waiting for you int he trub to have to worry about washing out when you harvest yeast. Plus, they look cool…. so there’s that. Until next time, folks.

Guacamole

So, I went grocery shopping with the wife today. Not that I hate spending time with my wife, but I despise grocery stores. They’re great to buy food and junk, but the people… gah! Everyone is looking out for no one but themselves. Soccer moms. Crying kids in the cereal aisle. Old ladies. Yuppies. No one gives a flying flip that there are other people on the earth. Running into carts… dirty looks when (God forbid) you stop your cart in the aisle to get something off a shelf. It annoys me. So, to amuse myself, I got on my iPhone and wandered around the produce section while the wife got the lettuce, potatoes, banana, and all that… I looked up at just the right time and saw avocados on sale for $1 each. Bingo. Guacamole time.

Man, there are few things on this earth greater than fresh guacamole. I mean, seriously… nice, creamy, fresh, cool, crisp. It’s wonderful. And it’s healthy for you, too. Lots of good stuff in avocados (the main ingredient in guacamole) and there’s no added fats, oils, or sugars… aside form the pinch of salt, it’s all veggies, herbs, and fruit juice. That’s it. It’s a great mayonnaise substitute on sandwiches… great on burgers… lots of uses. And, of course, it goes wonderfully on salty tortilla chips.

Simple to make, too… all you need is:

One small lime

Three small avocados (because that’s what the grocery store had)

One jalapeno pepper

One small red onion

One handful of fresh cilantro leaves

Kosher slat

Fresh ground black pepper

Mise en place… fancy French cooking term I learned on Top Chef that means “thing in place”, or “prep the ingredients” and get them ready to be used when it comes time to mix everything together. Mince the jalapeno. Because I’m a spicy food wuss, I deseeded the jalapeno and removed the placenta… yes, there’s a placenta in peppers… it’s the little whitish-green ribs that the seeds grow from on the inside. Finely chop one half of the small red onion. Finely chop the cilantro leaves. Set that all aside for a few minutes…

In a medium bowl, juice the lime… if you’re looking for the easiest way to juice a fresh lime, see below. Next comes the most dangerous part of the whole process… getting the guts out of an avocado. It’s easy, yes… but you have to mess around with a knife in a very precise way. It’s tricky. Don’t cut yourself. And, if you cut yourself, don’t blame me… knives are sharp… don’t be dumb. I’ll put a video clip of how to gut an avocado at the bottom of the page. If you don’t know how to do it already, go watch that video. Then, come back. I’ll wait. It’s ok. Empty the guts  of the avocados into the bowl. the lime juice will keep them from oxidizing and turning brown.

To the bowl, add the prepared cilantro, onion, and jalapeno.  Take a potato masher, and mash it all up. Get everyhting mixed up, and smooth out the guacamole.. but still leave tiny little avacado chunks. Next, sprinkle on a pinch of kosher salt, and a few grinds of black pepper. Use a spoon to stir it all up.. just to make sure everyhting is well mixed.

And that’s it… store it in the fridge in air tight container. Plop it on a ham sandwich… dollop on the burger… scoop it up with tortilla chips. Enjoy.

Juice a lime…

How to prep an avocado…

Someone Bring Some Peppers and Onions…

… cause it’s a real sausage fest!

Get it?

Before we begin… I want to throw it out there that this post will probably contain the word “sausage” about thirty times. And the way I look at it, you could go two routes as you read this (if anyone even reads my posts?)… you could take the high road and keep your mind out of the gutter and not be immature. Or… you could accept that every time you read the word “sausage” you’re going to snicker… and you accept that about yourself. I know I’m going to snicker everytime I write the word “sausage”… in fact, since the post already contains the word “sausage” six times, so that makes for six times I’ve snickered. And I’m ok with that. By the way, I’m, not sure what to call this… Italian sausage? That makes it sound EVEN MORE dirty… like something from Jersey Shore. Sausage, peppers, and onions works, but that takes a long time to say. Who knows. I’ll just call it tonight’s dinner.

But anyway… this recipe is loosely based on a recipe from David  Joachim’s “A Man, A Can, A Plan: 50 Great Meals Even You Can Make“. My mom got that book for me when I moved into my first apartment after college… I guess she didn’t have too much confidence in my cooking abilities… thanks, mom.

You’ll need:

2 Green Peppers (cut into strips)

1 1/2 white onions (cut into pieces)

2 cloves garlic, minced

1 small can (6 oz) tomato paste

1 can (10 oz) Rotel tomatoes and green chiles… I went with mild, but use whatever you want.

3/4 of a 64-oz bottle of V8

1 bottle of beer (I used a craft brewed Pilsner)

12 sweet Johnsonville Italian Sausages… use mild, or hot if you want.

1 tsp kohser salt

3 turns on the pepper mill

Combine all the ingredients, except the sausage, in your crock pot and stir until the tomato paste had dissolved and all the veggies and sauce is all stirred up. Place the sausages into the liquid, and set the crock pot on low. If you do it in the morning, before work, it’ll probably be done by the time you get home. Get your tongs and grab a sausage, slip it into a fresh sausage roll, slap on some of the peppers and onions and call it dinner.

mmm... sweet, sweet sausages.

Pulled Pork… in the crock pot.

So the wife and I are craving pulled pork, but I don’t feel like tending a smoker all day. It’s a Sunday. The playoffs are on.  So… crock pot to the rescue! Sure it’s not the same as a pork shoulder that’s been smoking all day, but hey… slather some pork on a bun, plop some coleslaw on top and call me happy. I could see this working well during the work week for a crock pot meal when we get home. Word.

Got a pork butt from Wal-Mart (for as much I’m not on the Wal-Mart band wagon, they have a decent selection of pork butts and shoulders) and rinsed it and cut it in half… yielded probably two three-pound halves. The other half is going in the freezer until the smoker can be brought out of storage this spring.

Pork butt... not a butt at all.

Put the pork butt in the crock pot and cover with Dr. Pepper (or root beer, or ginger ale)… it took about 1 liter. I also threw in a 12 oz bottle of hefeweizen for good measure… but any lightly-hopped beer will work fine. I added 2 tsps of garlic powder, 2 tsps of seasoned salt, 1 tsp paprika, and 10(ish) grinds of black pepper. That’s it… slosh things around so the seasonings get mixed in with the liquid, and set the crock pot to cook all day. Might be a good idea to flip the shoulder half way.

Once the meat is super tender and cooked through, and the liquid has reduced, take the shoulder out and… ahem… pull the meat. Pull it. Have the wife help… it’ll be done more quickly. Shred it up.  Use two forks… rip and shred. Optionally, you could skim the fat and boil the liquid to make some barbecue sauce (probably would want to add a little ketchup or tomato paste, and a squirt or scoop of your favorite mustard) … or just squirt on your favorite bbq sauce and call it a day. I like my sandwiches with a scoop of mayonnaise-based coleslaw on top. Some people like pickles. Some people like nothing but the sweet succulent pork… whatever tickles your pickle.